Updated: Oct 8
NOTE FROM THE FUTURE: I wrote this post in 2018 to satirize the Girls of the Year. It is 2020 when I'm writing this note, and I noticed that Google says my fake Girl of the Year from 2022 is the real one. This is NOT TRUE. My fake Girl of the Year 2022 is literally an anime character. I'll put up a post about Girl of the Year 2022 soon so Google won't say that anymore.
NOTE: This is entire sarcasm and a parody of the fact that the GOTY hasn't been realistic for a long time- probably since Book!McKenna and Marisol. If you take this seriously (especially after GOTY 2023), then I don't know what world you are living in.
Welcome to American Girl! Our star doll every year is the Girl of the Year doll, a doll that is featured for the year and then we forget about her the year after and let her retire. We used to just retire the doll after her year, but now we don't do that because Mattel told us not to even though they were fine with it for 15 years. For the next couple years, we have a stellar lineup of Girl of the Year dolls that are totally realistic of what modern girls deal with and experience today. Take a look at our awesome features for the next couple years!
Girl of the Year 2019 is Katelinn Schmitdh, a 10 year old millionaire who got her own multimedia empire after posting Musical.lys under the name LinnStar10. Her face is on every product imaginable, and nobody knows why! Katelinn's life changes after she has to stay in a 3 star motel for a week. Will she do it- and without her beloved golden iPhone X? Katelinn has the Classic mold, long dirty blond hair, freckles and hazel eyes. Her world includes her $30 accessories with her iPhone X, $24 dog Pickles that she has just as a prop for her videos and selfie stick and the $275 3 star motel!
Girl of the Year 2020 is Ohlivvya Browyn, a 10 year old girl who's hobbies are napping, eating and binging Netflix. Netflix is her life and she is watching it every single moment she can. But then, out of the blue, Ohlivvya's mom accidentally cancels her Netflix subscription and Ohlivvya's life seems hopeless! Will she be able to use multiple email addresses to get unlimited free trials? Ohlivvya has the Josefina mold, messy brown hair and blue eyes. Her world includes her Netflix accessories (computer, headphones, phone for livestreaming and snacks) and her $175 bed where Ohlivvya watches her shows.
Girl of the Year 2021 is Aihva Dayviss, a niche memer who loves posting basic memes to Instagram under the username @fluffyaesthetics. Her memes reflect everything, from her 90's kid childhood (even though she was born in 2011) to kids she hates at school, complete with a Lisa Simpson profile picture even though she hasn't even seen an episode of The Simpsons. Aihva's life changes when her account gets reported for Aihva being an underage user! Will Aihva put in her mom's ID in time? Aihva has the Classic mold, red hair and brown eyes. Her world includes her phone with screens of her niche memes and her $500 mall set, complete with a Glossier and Kanken store.
(NOTE: This doll, as well as the others, are FAKE.) Girl of the Year 2022 is Chibiusa "Rini" Small Lady Serenity Tsukino, a girl who is destined to become the future ruler of the universe. But there is one problem- she's supposed to be a guardian of justice, but her Pink Moon Stick never works! Will she ever get it to work? Rini has the Jess mold, pink hair and for the first time in AG's history, red eyes. Her world includes her Mini Moon outfit complete with Pink Moon Stick ($40), her future castle made of glass ($2000) and for the first time in over 20 years, the censored 90's English version of Sailor Moon that they renamed Sailor Mini Moon ($100 for all 3 seasons- R minus the filler arc, S and SuperS) because we don't want to go through One Million Moms again. (NOTE: This doll, as well as the others, are FAKE.)
Girl of the Year 2023 is Eternity Harrlowe Blue Flower Legend Kashmere Blackwood-Clade, a self-proclaimed "Skinny Legend"- after all, Legend is one of her 5 middle names! She is a quintiple threat- singer, actor, dancer, YouTuber and model. But Eternity's life changes for, um, eternity when her private school closes down and she has to go to public school with not-so-rich kids. Will she survive? Eternity has the Marie-Grace mold, ombre blue to purple hair and blue eyes. Her world includes her singing set ($50), dance outfit ($35), makeup kit ($30), and her biggest item- her $2500 movie premiere set which includes a red carpet, private jet, limo and an exclusive doll- Eternity's personal hair and makeup artist Kelsey.
These dolls are our most realistic ones to date and girls everywhere will love them.
NON SARCASTIC NOTE: Which one do you think is the most extra and extreme? I think pretty much all of them are.